One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farming. In order to do this he would need a stud rooster. He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a far away town. His name was Randy. The farmer went to this far away town and met with Randy's owner. The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an expensive price. After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy.

When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and reinforced the great expense he went through to obtain Randy.He told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself. The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild. Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace. The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals. The farmer was outraged. "Randy" he said, "You can't possibly last at this pace." "Slow down, I need you for a long time." Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer. The farmer watched his investment slowly dying. He dragged himself up to Randy and said "How could you?" "I asked you to pace yourself, I told you how important you were."

Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said "Shh, they're getting closer."

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar note and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Read This One Carefully ! Very Funny

The Sergeant Major

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, calmly walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well..... now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!!"

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"
"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"

"I'm Jim."

"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"

"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.

"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.

"Is it your brother?"

"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.

When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"

Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.

"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"

"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.

Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents For a family story with a moral at the end of it, and To return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example First, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One Day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket On the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump In the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the Eggs broke."

The moral of the story is not to put all Your eggs in one basket..

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty Eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got Ten chicks."

"The moral of this story is not to count Your chickens before they're hatched .."

"Very good ," said the teacher again, very pleased with The response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad Told me this story about my Aunt Karen…. Aunt Karen Was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got Hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all She had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to Prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle Of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of Them with the machine gun until she ran out of Bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete Till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten With her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did Your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?"

The child said "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been Drinking…"

Read this Story ( A True Story )

A woman was working in a post office in California.
One day she licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using
a sponge. That very day the lady found a cut on her tongue. A week
later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue.

She went to the doctor, and they found nothing wrong. Her tongue was
not sore or anything. A couple of days later, her tongue started to
swell more, and it began to get really sore, so sore, that she could
not eat.

She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done. The
doctor took an x-ray of her tongue and noticed a lump. He prepared
her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue open,a live
cockroach crawled out!!!!

There were cockroach eggs on the seal of the envelope. The egg was
able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva.It was warm
and moist...

This is a true story reported on CNN

Andy Hume wrote:

Hey, I used to work in an envelope factory. You wouldn't believe the.
...things that float around in those gum applicator trays. I haven't
licked an envelope for years!" I used to work for a print shop (32
years ago) and we were told NEVER to lick the envelopes. I never
understood why until I had to go into storage and pull out 2500
envelopes that were already printed and saw several squads of
cockroaches roaming around inside a couple of boxes with eggs
everywhere. They eat the glue on the envelopes.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON, TO YOUR FRIENDS.

Atleast After reading this you will never lick an envelope or stamp
containing glue again.