Patient Information

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello," she said. "I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Wells in Room 302," the woman answered.

"I will connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Wells in Room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Wells is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Murphy is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

"Thank God!" the woman said. "That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic, that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a family member or a very close friend!"

"Not exactly," the woman said. "I'm Sarah Wells in 302! Nobody here tells me anything."

10 PINTS

 A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd
of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools.
 I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back."

 The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even
leaves.  Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

 "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

 The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness.

 Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking
them all back-to-back.

 The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.  The
Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and askes, "If ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

 The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to
see if I could do it first."

ROSE

 There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer
remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where
they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

 The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only
one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold
the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the
rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

 The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing
his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up,
the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the
line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

 The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the
director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined
me!"

 The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?" He
asked.

 "No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"

WOODWORK CLASS

 It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was
surprised to see a young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom. Her
name was Jill and she was the only girl to sign-up for the woodwork
shop class that term. The shop teacher asked her if she was sure she was
in the right class, and Jill assured him that she was.

 The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out of your league.
Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"

 "What exactly do you mean?" replied Jill.

 "Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the
shop teacher asked.

 Jill pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't
rightly say I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."

MAGICAL FROG

 A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender
hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to
compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question
though, why is your head so small?"

 The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many
times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods.
I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming
from a frog sitting next to a stream.

 So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn
into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure
I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a
beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

 She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115
pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She
nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out
of my clothes and was standing there naked!

 She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at
her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you
here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We
then made love for hours!"

 Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious
lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more
wish. What will it be?"

 I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?" 

AWFUL FOUR LETTER WORDS

 A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got
back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How
was the honeymoon?"

 "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

 Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Nasir
started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard
before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me
and take me home.... Please Mum!"

 "Rahat," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful?
What 4-letter words?"

 "Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

 "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother
these horrible 4-letter words!"

 Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust,
wash, iron, cook!" 

MISTRESS.....

 This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when this gorgeous
blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm greetings with the husband
and walks off.

 "Who was that?" Demands the wife.

 "If you must know, that was my mistress."

 "Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!"

 "Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Honda,
furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in Murree?"

 They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the woman asks,
"Isn't that Hamid over there? Who's he with?"

 "That’s HIS mistress."

 "Oh... Well I think ours is cuter."

CAMPAIGNING

 While walking down the street one day a female head of state is
tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by
St. Peter at the entrance.

 "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

 "No problem, just let me in," says the lady.

 "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."

 "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head
of state.

 "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts
her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell.

 The doors open and see finds herself in the middle of a green golf
course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her
friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very
happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and
reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the
people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and
caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy
who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

 They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is
time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where
St. Peter is waiting for her.

 "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of
state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud,
playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes
it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

 "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now
choose your eternity."

 She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I
would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think
I would be better off in Hell."

 So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down,
down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle
of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black
bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.

 "I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and
danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable."

 The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

Am I A Polar Bear?

One afternoon in the Arctic , a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I a polar bear?"

The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I really a polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I gotta know, am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing!"

Healthy Eating

This 85 year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die tragically in a car crash. They have been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's nearly neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite, complete with a jacuzzi. As they 'oohed and aahed', the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," St. Peter replied, "remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is Heaven; it's free!"

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your darn bran muffins! I could have been here ten years ago!"

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded
a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she
began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She
moved again and then on her third move he burst out
laughing.... ......... ... She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was
asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing
she was pregnant.

She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming
Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The
Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the
third move she sat under an advertisement, which read:
'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed... ......!!! !!!

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's rear end and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farming. In order to do this he would need a stud rooster. He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a far away town. His name was Randy. The farmer went to this far away town and met with Randy's owner. The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an expensive price. After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy.

When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and reinforced the great expense he went through to obtain Randy.He told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself. The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild. Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace. The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals. The farmer was outraged. "Randy" he said, "You can't possibly last at this pace." "Slow down, I need you for a long time." Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer. The farmer watched his investment slowly dying. He dragged himself up to Randy and said "How could you?" "I asked you to pace yourself, I told you how important you were."

Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said "Shh, they're getting closer."

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar note and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Read This One Carefully ! Very Funny

The Sergeant Major

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, calmly walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well..... now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!!"

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"
"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"

"I'm Jim."

"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"

"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.

"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.

"Is it your brother?"

"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.

When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"

Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.

"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"

"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.

Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents For a family story with a moral at the end of it, and To return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example First, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One Day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket On the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump In the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the Eggs broke."

The moral of the story is not to put all Your eggs in one basket..

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty Eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got Ten chicks."

"The moral of this story is not to count Your chickens before they're hatched .."

"Very good ," said the teacher again, very pleased with The response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad Told me this story about my Aunt Karen…. Aunt Karen Was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got Hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all She had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to Prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle Of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of Them with the machine gun until she ran out of Bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete Till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten With her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did Your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?"

The child said "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been Drinking…"

Read this Story ( A True Story )

A woman was working in a post office in California.
One day she licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using
a sponge. That very day the lady found a cut on her tongue. A week
later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue.

She went to the doctor, and they found nothing wrong. Her tongue was
not sore or anything. A couple of days later, her tongue started to
swell more, and it began to get really sore, so sore, that she could
not eat.

She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done. The
doctor took an x-ray of her tongue and noticed a lump. He prepared
her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue open,a live
cockroach crawled out!!!!

There were cockroach eggs on the seal of the envelope. The egg was
able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva.It was warm
and moist...

This is a true story reported on CNN

Andy Hume wrote:

Hey, I used to work in an envelope factory. You wouldn't believe the.
...things that float around in those gum applicator trays. I haven't
licked an envelope for years!" I used to work for a print shop (32
years ago) and we were told NEVER to lick the envelopes. I never
understood why until I had to go into storage and pull out 2500
envelopes that were already printed and saw several squads of
cockroaches roaming around inside a couple of boxes with eggs
everywhere. They eat the glue on the envelopes.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON, TO YOUR FRIENDS.

Atleast After reading this you will never lick an envelope or stamp
containing glue again.

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,


Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.


Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.


Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.


Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.


Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling.

Lawyer : "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!"

Policeman : "Your a lawyer aren't you?"

Lawyer :"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!"

Policeman : "HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?"

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively
mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured
that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some
way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their
sons' behavior.

The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in
disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they
should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.

The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really
lose my temper!"

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them
individually. The eight-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat
the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even
sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice
even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself
in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What
happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing
and they think we did it!"

Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

--

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

--

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

--

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

--

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

--

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?

Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

--

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses
to retire?

Answer: NUTS!

--

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or
garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will
want to store stuff there.

--

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?

Answer: Normal.

--

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?

Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

--

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a
retiree?

Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

--

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but
misses the
people he used to work with?

Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech.

After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is?

Bob

And what is your question, Bob?

I have 3 questions.

First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
And third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?
Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand.

George points him out and asks him what his name is?

Steve

And what is your question, Steve?

I have 5 questions.

First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?!
And fifth, Where is "Bob"?

TERRORIST ATTACKS A LOCAL DOG

A man sees a woman getting chased by a dog.

When the dog is about to bite the woman, the man intervenes and kicks
the dog.

A reporter was seeing all this. He said "That was great. I'll
definitely publish this in newspaper.

Tomorrow the headline will be 'LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM A DOG'."

The man replied "Thank you, but I'm not from here. I am from US".

Reporter " OK. Then the headline will be US CITIZEN SAVES WOMAN FROM A
DOG".

Man: Actually, I live in US but I'm not a US citizen. I'm a Pakistani
national".

Next day, the headline in the paper read ... TERRORIST ATTACKS A LOCAL DOG

How to Impress a Client
-----------------------

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks
ago.

While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the
corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who
was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft
chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you
would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, and I'
m waiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when she
arrives as to come walk by and just say "Hi Tom?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and
started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It Was Bill
Gates. "Hi, Tom," he said.

I replied, "Shut up, Bill, I'm in a meeting."

BRILLIANT WAYS GUYS TURN GIRLS DOWN!!
-------------------------------------------------

SHE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
HE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours!!


SHE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
HE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!


SHE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
HE: I must have been given your share!!!


SHE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
HE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!


SHE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
HE: Okay, get out!!!


SHE: I think I could make you very happy
HE: Why? Are you leaving?


SHE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
HE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!


SHE: Can I have your name?
HE: Why, don't you already have one?


SHE: Shall we go and see a film?
HE: I've already seen it!!!


SHE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
HE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!


SHE: Where have you been all my life?
HE: Hiding from you.


SHE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
HE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.


SHE: Is this seat empty?
HE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.


SHE: So, what do you do for a living?
HE: I'm a male impersonator.


SHE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
HE: Do not enter.

10 sardars and a beautiful woman were rescued from a sinking boat by a helicopter with a hanging ladder. Suddenly the choper pilot announced:

"We can take only 10 people on that ladder, one of you has to let it go!"

The woman said, "Okay men, I am gonna let it go for all of you."

All 10 sardars said togather, "BRAVO...... ..."

and clapped for the brave woman!!

There is a place in the HEART where THOUGHTS become WISHES

And WISHES become DREAMS ! .

It's a place where anything is possible

If we only BELIEVE ..

There are 6 things to believe in for a happy, successful life:

Believe in your FAITH ..... GOALS ... LOVE .... FAMILY .... FRIENDS .....

And most importantly,

Believe in YOURSELF!

Have a Ahead

i had planned one such like below but after seeing my salary revision letter i had planned like this



Note: 1^st floor is available for rent. Only 6 months advance. Rent receipts will be given. (They can be used for HRA claims).
Lush green surroundings. Silent ambience, fresh air.
So.... Hurry up.

Houses of some famous personalities, including mine

Michael Jackson




Michael Jordan


Pete Sampras

Celine Deon


George Michael



Mariah Carey

Houses of some famous personalities, including mine

Arnold Schwarzenegger





Britney Spears




Calvin Klein

For the final test, the FBI agent took the first male applicant to a large, metal door and handed him a gun.The agent said, “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second male applicant was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the female applicant’s turn. She was given the same instructions-to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

MORAL: Women... don’t mess with’em

Life is like a Piano

It's that time of year to take our annual senior
citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of
the muscles.

As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally
alert.

If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or
non-loss of
intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're
losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers
until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

.....

.......

.........

............

..............

.............. .....

Answer: "bread."

If you said "toast," give up now and do something
else. Try not
to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

......

..........

..............

.............. ...

2. Say "silk" five times.

Now spell "silk."

What do cows drink?

.......

.........

.............. ..

.............. ......

.............. ........

Answer: Cows drink water.

If you said "milk," don't attempt the next
question.

Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.
Contend yourself with reading a more appropriate literature
such as Auto World.
However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

......

..............

.............. .....

.............. ........

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a
blue house is
made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from
pink bricks and a
black house is made from black bricks, what is a
green house made from?

..........

.............. ....
.............. ......... .

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said "green bricks," why are you still
reading these???

If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

...........
.............. ....
.............. ......

.............. ......... ..

.............. ......... .........

4. It's twenty years ago and a plane is flying at
20,000 feet
over Germany - (If you will recall, Germany at the
time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany .)

Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail.

The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine
is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane
fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany .

Where would you bury the survivors --- East Germany, West Germany ,
or no man's land"?

......

..............

.............. .........

.............. ......... ....

.............. ......... ........

Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you
must stop!!

If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to
the next question.

5. Without using a calculator -

You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven
in Wales.

In London ,17 people get on the bus;

In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine
people get on.

In Swindon , two people get off and four get on.

In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get
on.

In Swansea , three people get off and five people
get on.

In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.

You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?

.....

............

.............. ........

.............. ......... ....

.............. ......... ......... .

.............. ......... ......... ........

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name?

It was YOU!!

Now pass this along to all your friends and pray
they do better than you.

PS: Would you believe that 95% of people fail to correctly
answer most of these questions!!

" Feel yourself, believe yourself, dream big and work to achieve & excel…"

How Men Cry

BENZ in CHROME LOOK (Hold Your Breath)

BENZ in CHROME LOOK (Hold Your Breath)

Brazalian Toyota Commercial

Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao), L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were
travelling in an autorickshaw. They met with an accident and all three of
them died.

Yama Raja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death.

He asks PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN.

But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL.
Laloo is not at all happy with this decision.

He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of
them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public
positions, etc.

Then why the differential treatment?

He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation
before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or
pre-conceived notions.



Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an
English test.

PVNR is asked to spell " INDIA " and he does it correctly.

Advani is asked to spell " ENGLAND " and he too passes.

It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell " CZECHOSLOVAKIA ".

Laloo protests that he doesn't know English.

He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus
forced to fail with false intent.

Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another
chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal
platform for all three).

PVNR is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". He writes it easily and
passes.

Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes.

Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR.... ."
Tough one. He fails again.



Laloo is extremely unhappy.

Having been a student of history (which the other two weren't),he now
requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history

Yama says OK but this would be the last chance and that he would not take
any more tests.

PVNR is asked: "When did India get Independence ?". He replied "1947" and
passed.

Advani is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?".

He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or
200,000 or 300,000.
Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.

It's Laloo's turn now.
'
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'
Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died
in the struggle.
Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.

Moral of the story: IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO *SCREW YOU*, THERE
IS NO ESCAPE ..... :)

Sometimes I forget to ask, Are you ok?
Sometimes I even miss to say Hi
But it Doesn't mean that I Forgot u
I am just Lazy like You..

Finding Friends
In this Big and Complicated world is truly a Magical thing..
But for me Finding U is not only a Magic
It's a Blessing

So when I count my Blessings, I will count you Twice.......

There is an urgent requirement for following Position. Please apply ASAP .

Applications are invited for the following post. The package and incentives are mentioned below.

Designation : Associate Girl Friend ( Trainee )

• Experience : FRESHER (Experienced candidate Can apply )
• Age : only 18 to 28( higher age girl need not apply).
• Should be committed to work for 24*7.
• Skills Required: Good looking, Fair (bold enough to come out anytime will an added advantage )
• Preference would be given to beauty contest winner.
• No preference would be given to any degree/diploma.
  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
  
  Perks and incentives.
  
  Total gross ( Monthly ) : 3 gifts worth 300/-
  
  30 bike rides each duration 2 hours
  
  20 trips to Selective place in Chennai/Banglore/Hyderabad/Mumbai/Kolkatta/NCR
  
  10 Kulfis / Chocobars at a regular gap of 3 days
  
  Daily Provision of Vada Pav / Samosa Pav / Pakoda worth of 5 /-
  
  4 movies ( On choice ) per month on every weekend in PVR
  
  Visits to Big Bazar, Life Style, Pubs and various malls.
  Pair of Jeans or T-shirts according to Demand
  
  Net Deductions ( Monthly ) : Provident Fund and Service taxes to be informed on joining
  
  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
  
  REFERRAL BONUS WILL BE GIVEN AS PER THE POLICY / IF PERFORMANCE IS HIGH THEN WILL BE PROMOTED TO NEXT GRADE "WOODBE" AND THEN TO "WIFE" IN 2 YEARS
  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
  
  All short listed candidates will be intimated over phone.
  We would appreciate if you can refer / ask more potential candidates to meet the Recruitment team at the earliest
  
  Note : Ex-girl friends will not be eligible for any referral benefits.