Jokes

Corporate Quotes

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA )

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp.)

Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)


"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."

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Fix It Yourself

When a guy's printing on his printer began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
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Complaints

It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.

The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE this trunk you have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"

The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"

Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE this long neck! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"

The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance."

The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger behind or smaller eggs!"

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Quickies

NASA wanted to find a writing implement that could be used in space. It took 200 engineers and they spent over $2 billion to finally invent a space pen. This pen could write in zero gravity and the ink would still flow.

NASA proudly announced their success and congratulations flowed in from all over the world.

In a short note to the Americans, the Soviet engineers congratulated them, but said that they too had found a solution at a fraction of the cost.

They remarked, "We use a pencil."

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An old man was setting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What are you selling, young man," he asked.

"I'm not selling anything, Sir," the young man replied. "I'm a Census Taker."

"A what?" the man asked.

"A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States ."

"Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me. I have no idea."

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A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

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The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist' s couch. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."

"Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?"

"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."

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The Princess And The Frog

There was a really cute princess walking through the woods, and she heard a voice calling, "Hey really cute Princess!"

She looked around and didn't see anyone but a frog. She started to walk on but the frog called again. "Hey Really Cute Princess, if you take me home and let me sleep on your pillow, I will turn back into a Handsome Prince!"

It had been a very boring day so she decided to give it a try even though she really didn't believe the frog. The Really Cute Princess took the frog home with her and let him sleep on her pillow.

When she got up the next day what do you think she found? There on her pillow sat a really handsome Prince.

Do you believe the story?




Neither did her mother...

Superb.!!! [:-)]

There was a good old barber in Hyderabad. One day a florist goes to him for
a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:

I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service.


Florist is happy and leaves the shop.



The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank
You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.



A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he
again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves the
shop.





The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is another
"Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.





A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber
again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.



The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds
there......





Scroll down for answer... . . . . . . .. . . . ....
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(Believe me it's worth it!!!!!!!!!! )
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A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with Printouts of
the Forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut.

Patient Information

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello," she said. "I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Wells in Room 302," the woman answered.

"I will connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Wells in Room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Wells is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Murphy is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

"Thank God!" the woman said. "That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic, that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a family member or a very close friend!"

"Not exactly," the woman said. "I'm Sarah Wells in 302! Nobody here tells me anything."

10 PINTS

 A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd
of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools.
 I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back."

 The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even
leaves.  Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

 "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

 The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness.

 Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking
them all back-to-back.

 The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.  The
Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and askes, "If ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

 The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to
see if I could do it first."

ROSE

 There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer
remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where
they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

 The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only
one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold
the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the
rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

 The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing
his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up,
the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the
line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

 The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the
director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined
me!"

 The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?" He
asked.

 "No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"

WOODWORK CLASS

 It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was
surprised to see a young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom. Her
name was Jill and she was the only girl to sign-up for the woodwork
shop class that term. The shop teacher asked her if she was sure she was
in the right class, and Jill assured him that she was.

 The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out of your league.
Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"

 "What exactly do you mean?" replied Jill.

 "Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the
shop teacher asked.

 Jill pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't
rightly say I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."

MAGICAL FROG

 A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender
hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to
compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question
though, why is your head so small?"

 The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many
times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods.
I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming
from a frog sitting next to a stream.

 So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn
into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure
I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a
beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

 She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115
pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She
nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out
of my clothes and was standing there naked!

 She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at
her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you
here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We
then made love for hours!"

 Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious
lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more
wish. What will it be?"

 I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"