One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farming. In order to do this he would need a stud rooster. He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a far away town. His name was Randy. The farmer went to this far away town and met with Randy's owner. The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an expensive price. After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy.
When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and reinforced the great expense he went through to obtain Randy.He told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself. The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild. Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace. The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals. The farmer was outraged. "Randy" he said, "You can't possibly last at this pace." "Slow down, I need you for a long time." Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer. The farmer watched his investment slowly dying. He dragged himself up to Randy and said "How could you?" "I asked you to pace yourself, I told you how important you were."
Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said "Shh, they're getting closer."
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar note and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
Read This One Carefully ! Very Funny
The Sergeant Major
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, calmly walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well..... now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!!"
A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"
"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"
"I'm Jim."
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"
"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.
"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.
"Is it your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.
When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"
Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"
"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.
Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!" 
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents For a family story with a moral at the end of it, and To return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example First, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One Day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket On the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump In the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the Eggs broke."
The moral of the story is not to put all Your eggs in one basket..
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty Eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got Ten chicks."
"The moral of this story is not to count Your chickens before they're hatched .."
"Very good ," said the teacher again, very pleased with The response so far.
Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad Told me this story about my Aunt Karen…. Aunt Karen Was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got Hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all She had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete."
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to Prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle Of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of Them with the machine gun until she ran out of Bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete Till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten With her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did Your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?"
The child said "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been Drinking…"
Read this Story ( A True Story )
A woman was working in a post office in California.
One day she licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using
a sponge. That very day the lady found a cut on her tongue. A week
later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue.
She went to the doctor, and they found nothing wrong. Her tongue was
not sore or anything. A couple of days later, her tongue started to
swell more, and it began to get really sore, so sore, that she could
not eat.
She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done. The
doctor took an x-ray of her tongue and noticed a lump. He prepared
her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue open,a live
cockroach crawled out!!!!
There were cockroach eggs on the seal of the envelope. The egg was
able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva.It was warm
and moist...
This is a true story reported on CNN
Andy Hume wrote:
Hey, I used to work in an envelope factory. You wouldn't believe the.
...things that float around in those gum applicator trays. I haven't
licked an envelope for years!" I used to work for a print shop (32
years ago) and we were told NEVER to lick the envelopes. I never
understood why until I had to go into storage and pull out 2500
envelopes that were already printed and saw several squads of
cockroaches roaming around inside a couple of boxes with eggs
everywhere. They eat the glue on the envelopes.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON, TO YOUR FRIENDS.
Atleast After reading this you will never lick an envelope or stamp
containing glue again.
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling.
Lawyer : "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!"
Policeman : "Your a lawyer aren't you?"
Lawyer :"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!"
Policeman : "HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?"
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively
mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured
that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some
way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their
sons' behavior.
The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in
disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they
should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.
The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really
lose my temper!"
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them
individually. The eight-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat
the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even
sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice
even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself
in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What
happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing
and they think we did it!"
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
--
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
--
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
--
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
--
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
--
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
--
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses
to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
--
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or
garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will
want to store stuff there.
--
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
--
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
--
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a
retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
--
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but
misses the
people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech.
After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is?
Bob
And what is your question, Bob?
I have 3 questions.
First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
And third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?
Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts up his hand.
George points him out and asks him what his name is?
Steve
And what is your question, Steve?
I have 5 questions.
First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?!
And fifth, Where is "Bob"?
TERRORIST ATTACKS A LOCAL DOG
A man sees a woman getting chased by a dog.
When the dog is about to bite the woman, the man intervenes and kicks
the dog.
A reporter was seeing all this. He said "That was great. I'll
definitely publish this in newspaper.
Tomorrow the headline will be 'LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM A DOG'."
The man replied "Thank you, but I'm not from here. I am from US".
Reporter " OK. Then the headline will be US CITIZEN SAVES WOMAN FROM A
DOG".
Man: Actually, I live in US but I'm not a US citizen. I'm a Pakistani
national".
Next day, the headline in the paper read ... TERRORIST ATTACKS A LOCAL DOG
How to Impress a Client
-----------------------
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks
ago.
While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the
corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who
was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft
chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you
would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, and I'
m waiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when she
arrives as to come walk by and just say "Hi Tom?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and
started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It Was Bill
Gates. "Hi, Tom," he said.
I replied, "Shut up, Bill, I'm in a meeting."
BRILLIANT WAYS GUYS TURN GIRLS DOWN!!
-------------------------------------------------
SHE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
HE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours!!
SHE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
HE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
SHE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
HE: I must have been given your share!!!
SHE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
HE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
SHE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
HE: Okay, get out!!!
SHE: I think I could make you very happy
HE: Why? Are you leaving?
SHE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
HE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
SHE: Can I have your name?
HE: Why, don't you already have one?
SHE: Shall we go and see a film?
HE: I've already seen it!!!
SHE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
HE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
SHE: Where have you been all my life?
HE: Hiding from you.
SHE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
HE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.
SHE: Is this seat empty?
HE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
SHE: So, what do you do for a living?
HE: I'm a male impersonator.
SHE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
HE: Do not enter.
10 sardars and a beautiful woman were rescued from a sinking boat by a helicopter with a hanging ladder. Suddenly the choper pilot announced:
"We can take only 10 people on that ladder, one of you has to let it go!"
The woman said, "Okay men, I am gonna let it go for all of you."
All 10 sardars said togather, "BRAVO...... ..."
and clapped for the brave woman!!
There is a place in the HEART where THOUGHTS become WISHES
And WISHES become DREAMS ! .
It's a place where anything is possible
If we only BELIEVE ..
There are 6 things to believe in for a happy, successful life:
Believe in your FAITH ..... GOALS ... LOVE .... FAMILY .... FRIENDS .....
And most importantly,
Believe in YOURSELF!
Have aFriday, November 30, 2007
Houses of some famous personalities, including mine
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Britney Spears 
Calvin Klein
Monday, November 26, 2007
For the final test, the FBI agent took the first male applicant to a large, metal door and handed him a gun.The agent said, “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second male applicant was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the female applicant’s turn. She was given the same instructions-
