Patient Information

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello," she said. "I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Wells in Room 302," the woman answered.

"I will connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Wells in Room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Wells is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Murphy is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

"Thank God!" the woman said. "That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic, that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a family member or a very close friend!"

"Not exactly," the woman said. "I'm Sarah Wells in 302! Nobody here tells me anything."

10 PINTS

 A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd
of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools.
 I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back."

 The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even
leaves.  Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

 "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

 The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness.

 Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking
them all back-to-back.

 The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.  The
Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and askes, "If ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

 The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to
see if I could do it first."

ROSE

 There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer
remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where
they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

 The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only
one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold
the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the
rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

 The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing
his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up,
the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the
line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

 The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the
director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined
me!"

 The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?" He
asked.

 "No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"

WOODWORK CLASS

 It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was
surprised to see a young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom. Her
name was Jill and she was the only girl to sign-up for the woodwork
shop class that term. The shop teacher asked her if she was sure she was
in the right class, and Jill assured him that she was.

 The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out of your league.
Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"

 "What exactly do you mean?" replied Jill.

 "Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the
shop teacher asked.

 Jill pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't
rightly say I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."

MAGICAL FROG

 A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender
hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to
compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question
though, why is your head so small?"

 The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many
times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods.
I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming
from a frog sitting next to a stream.

 So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn
into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure
I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a
beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

 She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115
pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She
nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out
of my clothes and was standing there naked!

 She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at
her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you
here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We
then made love for hours!"

 Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious
lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more
wish. What will it be?"

 I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?" 

AWFUL FOUR LETTER WORDS

 A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got
back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How
was the honeymoon?"

 "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

 Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Nasir
started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard
before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me
and take me home.... Please Mum!"

 "Rahat," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful?
What 4-letter words?"

 "Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

 "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother
these horrible 4-letter words!"

 Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust,
wash, iron, cook!" 

MISTRESS.....

 This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when this gorgeous
blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm greetings with the husband
and walks off.

 "Who was that?" Demands the wife.

 "If you must know, that was my mistress."

 "Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!"

 "Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Honda,
furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in Murree?"

 They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the woman asks,
"Isn't that Hamid over there? Who's he with?"

 "That’s HIS mistress."

 "Oh... Well I think ours is cuter."

CAMPAIGNING

 While walking down the street one day a female head of state is
tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by
St. Peter at the entrance.

 "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

 "No problem, just let me in," says the lady.

 "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."

 "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head
of state.

 "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts
her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell.

 The doors open and see finds herself in the middle of a green golf
course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her
friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very
happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and
reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the
people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and
caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy
who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

 They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is
time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where
St. Peter is waiting for her.

 "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of
state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud,
playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes
it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

 "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now
choose your eternity."

 She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I
would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think
I would be better off in Hell."

 So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down,
down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle
of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black
bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.

 "I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and
danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable."

 The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

Am I A Polar Bear?

One afternoon in the Arctic , a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I a polar bear?"

The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I really a polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I gotta know, am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing!"

Healthy Eating

This 85 year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die tragically in a car crash. They have been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's nearly neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite, complete with a jacuzzi. As they 'oohed and aahed', the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," St. Peter replied, "remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is Heaven; it's free!"

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your darn bran muffins! I could have been here ten years ago!"

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded
a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she
began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She
moved again and then on her third move he burst out
laughing.... ......... ... She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was
asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing
she was pregnant.

She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming
Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The
Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the
third move she sat under an advertisement, which read:
'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed... ......!!! !!!

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's rear end and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."